If Only

If you could only see me from the inside out...running in a field of flowers amid the morning dew...Supping white wine inside my thoughts...if only

Monday, April 27, 2009

CHURCH

I remember well when Daddy became what he called ‘saved’. I didn’t know what that meant, and I really didn’t care. Saved from what, I thought? Due to this new saving thing, we were all going to put on new clothes and shoes and go to church.
Church—what was church?

It sits boxed up in my memory bank as though it just happened. We went to a little white church down the street from our house. I didn’t find a thing of interest. Strange looking men in funny looking clothes were playing music. Things called guitars, Daddy said. They looked like wood with strings tied too tight to me.

Church lasted way too long for my brother and me. We were glad when the preacher dismissed us. We had heard the sirens close by but I thought nothing of it. I just wanted out of there.

We walked outside and one look down the block told me that something bad had happened. Yes, during our first-time to visit God’s house, our house burned down. My brother reminded me tonight, May 1,2009, that our house had burned on Christmas Eve. We were indeed children that believed in Santa Clause. We lost everything that night. We were very sad. So very very sad.....

I remember thinking God must not have wanted us there. How angry he was to do this. I would vow to never go again. I was too afraid.

12 comments:

balachandran v said...

I was shocked and hurt at the ending. I could feel the pain you would have felt as a young child. As an adult you would have realized that the problem is with the view that we have, that everything works in a reward/punishment mode. Things aren't necessarily that way. Even the cause-effect theory is not 100% correct. For every effect, there would be one too many causative factors. Things just happen, Sandy. But that truth is rather unsettling, isn't it? So we look for reasons - God, virtue, sin, reward, heaven, punishment, hell - if you could realise how insecure humanity has been since its origin, we would die of mirth!Some call this Hindu fatalistic attitude and blame them for inaction and acceptance of the fate, but it is actually a clear understanding of the situation, an understanding that is not clouded, but clear and sharp as sunshine... Your adeptness at prose is exemplary!

Sandy said...

Balan, it was indeed a trauma. A thing not forgotten. I realize that my perceptivity of things, as a child, were limited. I certainly rationalize things out as an adult, but I may not always understand why things happen as they do...

Sandy said...

Thank you Balan, for the comments and the time to read each....

Ashyea said...

As long as I have known you , I still find I don't know all about you...you have not told me many things about your childhood and I have learned new things in your writings... I know that you do know what 'saved' is because I know you are..You paint such pictures that I can , in my minds eye, see you and Clifford wiggling on the pew. You never told me about your house burning down, that is indeed very sad...However I do know you went back to church and that you are still attending..I can see your daddy standing on the rostrum preaching his heart out..He was a wonderful person and I am glad I got to know him...You didn't say that he later became a preacher and delivered God's word all his life..He most certainly is sitting at Jesus feet as I write this ..I know he is looking down on you and is so very proud of you. I'm sure he can even see all that you say about him...I am so glad I had the priviledge of knowing him and loving him..I know you didn't put this in your blog so I may not be writing just exactly what you would like to hear but I now know the beginning of a never ending faith he had in his maker.

Sandy said...

I suppose there are so many things in life that we keep in our distant place. We rarely look at them for whatever the reasons. Yes, you very well know me. I attend church faithfully. I was a very fragile child for a time...

Ashyea said...

I sometimes see the fragility you say you had as a child...you are very strong I know and have always known that...I also know how many times I have seen you in that place where you were fragile and at times still are but your strength overcomes it most of the time...I don't think any of us understand why things happen as they do. I do however know that God allows what happens to us for a reason we may never know. Ashyea

Sandy said...

Ashyea, you know me better than most..You have seen the rain fall...

Misty Veil said...

Sandy,
By now, you should have an idea of my take on this life we have to 'endure'; even the saintly amongst us. We all have our share of tragedy and triumphs, each of these events teaching us something for good or ill.
There is always reason in the learning Sandy. Have you ever thought that if you and your family hadn't been in Gods house that day, you may not have survived that fire... Material 'gifts' are worthless, faith and life priceless. Your Daddy knew that Sandy, little children don't. You all survived and were saved... very fitting that you were saved by being in church.... No ?
I need to say Sandy, the work you're sharing here is very thought provoking and profound..and thank you... for having me here and for the music..
Love you girl,
Linda.x

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